Perfectionism, Vulnerability, and Reconsidering What It Means to Be Strong

I spend a lot of time thinking about what it means to be strong.

I suspect I appear strong to others, because it probably looks as if I have things going quite well for me and that I have a ‘good head on my shoulders’ or something like this. I have a great circle of caring & fun friends. I am doing my PhD on full scholarship at a top-ranked institution. I’ve always played sports at a high level. I create art and sometimes even perform it in public venues. I’ve been actively involved in a variety of student council type activities. I’ve been successful at getting teaching opportunities and jobs with leadership responsibilities, and I generally do well in these environments. I’m determined, hardworking, and organised, and I tend to get shit done (and usually in advance of deadlines!) and this is what many people see when they look at me. I can appear ‘strong’ to others, and sometimes I even trick myself.

But all of my close friends know another side of me as well. They know that I all too frequently struggle with really intense feelings of worthlessness and meaningless, and that I often find myself losing total hope and wanting to give up. My close friends know that I walk this weird, delicate balance where I desperately want people to love and accept me and near-constantly doubt that they do. It can be debilitating to always wonder if they do. My close friends know I want to be someone who doesn’t need anyone, all the while knowing that I’m someone who totally needs a loving, supporting community around me because human beings are built for relational connections, and I’ve grown to need this over the years. They know that I crack under pressure and can easily enter a full-on panic attack where I seemingly forget how to breathe; where I gasp for air, blubbering like a baby, until my body becomes so tired from shaking and hyperventilating that I finally shut down, and I just lay there for a while before stoically getting up and forcing myself to get shit done. Because I get shit done…that’s what strong people do, right?  

I try to limit these ‘weak’ moments like my anxiety or depression to the comfort of my own home but they’ve happened in spaces where I couldn’t bottle them in anymore; I regularly had panic attacks at the department building where I did my master’s degree. One time I collapsed on a walk home from school from hyperventilating after a particularly anxiety-ridden day.  I felt totally dejected the other morning at the library while printing an assignment because I began doubting whether I had anything worthwhile to say, or whether I should be in this PhD program. I frequently experience intensely negative thoughts that I am not good enough to be doing whatever it is I am trying to do. And I begin to feel weak. And then I feel weak for beginning to feel weak, because why not. ‘Weak people are lame! Get it together!!’ It can be a vicious cycle.

I spend a lot of time thinking about what it means to be strong.

One of the lookouts from the wall of the old city in Dubrovnik, Croatia

I’m extremely competitive, not just with other people but also with myself. Sometimes competitiveness and drive is good, and I have had some excellent improvements in my life from my desire to excel and improve, but I can also become a cruel, unkind person when totally driven by my desire to want to be the best at something no matter the cost. I try to reign this in and to re-orient my priorities, but there are so many societal pressures that instruct us, either explicitly or implicitly, to try to be the absolute best. This means different things for different people, but I suspect we all have some form of this being shoved into our faces and down our throats. It can be difficult to fight against these messages and pressures, and it can seem appealing and attractive to respond with fervor to them; to rise up and ‘be stronger’ or ‘better’ or whatever adjective applies to your own context. (Smarter...prettier...thinner…wealthier …etc.)

I spend a lot of time thinking about what it means to be strong.

Practicing the art of balance along an abandoned rock beach in Dubrovnik

I’m tempted to think of strength simply as perseverance—as the act of using the mental equivalent of pure brute force to press on and push through whatever difficulty might arise. I’m tempted to think of strength as ‘getting shit done’ even when you feel like lying in bed.

But, when I’m honest with myself, I submit that this sort of strength isn’t really strength at all but a means of maintaining the illusion of control so to appear strong to people around me. It’s a clever façade; and, at least for me, it’s driven mostly by pride and by fear. It becomes something that is attainable and even measureable (‘are you getting shit done, or aren’t you? You are? Okay, then you’re good.’) and I love any semblance of numerical validity to assure me that I’m doing alright. (‘But look at all these boxes I checked off my to do list this afternoon; I must be fine!’) This is task-oriented drivenness; I’m not convinced it is strength. At least it’s not the degree/depth/expression of strength I want to strive for.

There are moments in life where this ‘brute force’ is helpful. It’s been great for me that can meet my deadlines even though I feel like shit and like the world has no meaning and like I’d rather be dead. (This happens more frequently than I’d like to admit to.) It’s been incredibly convenient that I can continue to check off the boxes of my never-ending to do lists. But I don’t think this is necessarily ‘strength.’ I think strength may be something different.

I spend a lot of time thinking about what it means to be strong.

The skull speaks of durability and mortality; the carnation of fragility and impermanence.
Taken at a museum in Amsterdam.

I’ve begun to conceptualise strength as something that isn’t just perseverance (though, to be sure, that has its merits) but as mindful recognition of the present-reality—no matter the reality—and making intentional, even if small, steps toward positive change. Sometimes that begins with my recognising that I feel weak and shitty and hopeless and like life is meaningless. Sometimes that very recognition of weakness is the first step/sign of strength.

I spend a lot of time thinking about what it means to be strong.

I think strength is learning to come to terms with who you are rather than simply trying to become a version of yourself that fits society's standards of success. I love this moment in The Fantastic Mr. Fox when Ash celebrates his "little-ness" and even turns it around to being a means to success.

I spend a lot of time thinking about what it means to be strong.

Here are some of the strongest phrases that come to mind as I write this.  This list is neither exhaustive or perfect.

“I don’t know.”
“I’ve not heard/thought of that before.”
“Maybe you’re right.”
“I’m doubting the things I used to believe.”
“I feel sad/lonely/dejected.”
“I’m sorry for the way I acted.”
“I don’t understand xyz, but I love you.”

The strength of these phrases comes from both their willingness to be vulnerable and open, and their admittance of uncertainty. They defy the version of strength that is sometimes forced down our throats by society. You probably know the kind of strength I’m referring to; you might strive for it.

I spend a lot of time thinking about what it means to be strong.

A public memorial space in Berlin, Germany

I love this line from one of my friend’s songs. Madi Smith writes, “I got myself together. Yeah, I know who I am. At least, I’ve found most of the pieces, and I piece them as best I can.” You can listen to it here. I love Madi's music, and I love this line in particular because it recognises the broken, mosaic-like identity that humans have; it speaks to finding our identity in the midst of that. Mosaics are beautiful when we allow them to be seen; so much more so than putting up a front of ‘I have this totally together and everything is figured out and I am fine, la la la.’

It is incredibly strong to admit that one feels weak.
It is incredibly strong to admit hesitation or uncertainty.
It is incredibly strong to be okay with the place you are in, and to work from there, wherever 'there' is.

Brene Brown, perhaps one of the most well-known researchers on shame and meaningful living, has been researching on this topic for well over a decade, and she can speak to this topic with far more detail than I can. You might want to check out her book/s or one of her youtube clips--maybe this one or this one are good starting points. I find her work to be very inspirational.

I spend a lot of time thinking about what it means to be strong.

Perspective is absolutely everything; here, I'm tinier than a blade of grass. 

I could keep writing on and on about my thoughts on strength. Firstly, because I am impeccably long-winded and secondly, because I am a perfectionist and I’m afraid of posting this before I’ve revised and analysed and edited the heck out of it to find any holes in my argument or fix any ‘weak points.’ (I hate, hate HATE appearing weak or flawed.) But I’m going to post this as it is now. (Partly because I need to get to the library and work on my PhD, but more so because I am truly trying to embrace acceptance of where I am at.) These are some of the thoughts I have right now; this is the place I’m in and the spot I’m trying to breathe in and exist in. It isn't perfected, but I am trying to be at home with it.

I suspect the logic presented here is not perfect. You can probably find and latch on to a hole or a flaw without much difficulty. But, if I may, maybe the better way to exist in our beautiful broken world is to latch on to whatever you find that is good and inspiring, and to go on from there. If you have any thoughts you want to make heard, feel free to comment below, or feel free to message me. I’d be happy to hear them.

Making Changes - for the environment, for others, and for me!

Over the last five years or so, with a big push in the last year, I have tried to reduce my waste and use natural, non-harmful products whenever possible. There are three broad reasons for why I’ve done this: the environment, animal rights, and my own personal health.

Let me expand…

1) For the ENVIRONMENT: On a global scale, human beings produce 2.6 trillion pounds of trash every year. That amount is unfathomable to me.  Studies from the world bank suggest that most of the waste is produced by countries that are “wealthier” (the OECD countries (34 in total) include the US, Canada, many European countries, and a number of other countries Canada, US, many Western European countries) produce more waste than countries that are considered less wealthy. Within any given country, these trends are replicated at a local level: upper-class individuals generally produce more waste than lower-class individuals.

(Note: ‘waste’ is anything that will end up in a landfill rather than being recycled/composted. This includes a heck of a lot of food packaging (and, unfortunately for many households, a lot of perfectly-compostable food), all your old electronics that don’t get recycled, and a number of other items).

2) For ANIMALS and 'animal rights': I realise that not everyone is in agreement on the degree of ‘rights’ that non-human animals ought to have.  (There’s an overview of the debate here) but I personally think it is crucial that we show more intentional respect and love for non-human beings. For me, this is based primarily on the grounds of compassion, but I think a lot of religious traditions actually ‘call’ their adherents to this. (Don’t get me started on the biblical grounds for this within a Christian context..! I've written about that here.)

3) For my own PERSONAL HEALTH: I want to live long and be healthy while I’m alive. I don’t want to put harmful chemicals in my body or on my skin. My own biggest shift has been in the food I eat and the cosmetics I use. As a result of beginning to make almost all my own cosmetics (see below) my bathroom could now be confused as a kitchen pantry; and I love it! A huge help in this regard has been recipes and tips by Wellness Mama. You can see her blog here

With these three motivators, I’ve tried to find creative, cost-effective ways to use natural products and limit the number of things I put into a trash bin. I’ve also tried to be kinder and more compassionate to other beings (humans and non-humans. Yes, this includes the creepy crawlies which make me squeamish.) 

Things I’m proud of having changed:
Maybe something on this list will inspire you to change something in your own life. None of these were that difficult of changes to make, and all were done while on a modest student budget.

- vegetarian since 2008

- I now make almost all of my own cosmetics out of all-natural ingredients, thereby eliminating the purchase of the following plastic-wrapped items: shampoo and conditioner, lotion, deodorant, toner, lip-balm, leg-wax (feel free to ask me for my recipes!)
- I started a compost bin in my back yard (shhhhh, don’t tell my college!) so to not throw compostables into the garbage
- buying about 90% of my clothing from second hand stores
- I tried my hand at making beeswax candles (taper candles and glass-jar candles)
- I now buy a substantial amount of my vegetables from an organic local veg farm
- I grow some of my own vegetables (kale, for the most part)
- 5+ years ago I switched from pads/tampons to the Diva Cup. I absolutely love it.
- VERY RARELY do I kill bugs when found in my house. I use the trap-and-release method.  Because if I were in someone’s house, I wouldn’t want to be squished.
- trying to slow down and enjoy the natural world a bit more. It may be selfish but it's certainly true that when I enjoy it, I care more about protecting and improving it.

Our earth is pretty fabulous.

Enjoying Earth

This is Two Years of Trash.
Photo taken from Trash is for Tosser's blog. Click here

But I’m still far from where I want to be in terms of making positive changes. There are so many people who inspire me to make even more changes. A recent inspiration has been the blog Trash is for Tossers who, over a full two-year period, Lauren (the author of Trash is for Tossers) can fit ALL of the trash she has produced into a small mason jar. That is incredible and inspirational!

Here are some of the things I still want to change. This list is far from exhaustive..

Things I still want to change:
- eliminate/reduce dairy from my diet for environmental purposes (or at least ensure my current cheese consumption…and yes my dairy intake is essentially just cheese…comes from ‘happy cows’)
- eliminate/reduce all foods that come in pre-wrapped plastic (my biggest vices include: bags of frozen berries; nuts/pasta/rice/lentils in that plastic wrap; chocolate bars; buying bulk veg & fruits from Asda online which automatically means they put the veg in plastic bags in order to weigh it; “bulk bags” at produce stores [3 peppers in one pre-made bag cost proportionately less than buying 3 single peppers, etc.]
- I’m a sucker for candles, and I suspect that the thin metal of tea-light candles is not enviro-friendly. I want to change that.  Especially seeing as I know how to make beeswax candles……hmmmm.
- participate in reducing the inadvertent waste of public edibles (i.e. go foraging for food more often!)
- all Tupperware as glass or metal + cloth bags
- I love trying new arts and crafts and having different projects on the go. I would like to try to make these as sustainable as possibly by using enviro-friendly materials. (Natural paints? On wood? Rather than i.e. acrylic on canvas)
- I buy a lot of things online and the shipping packaging is usually quite bad
- reduce air travel
- solar energy

TAKE A MOMENT TO REFLECT:

What are some things that you have changed that you are proud of?

What are some things that you still want to change?

What are some of your reasons for either of the above?

Tofu-Chocolate Mousse (Vegan)

Tofu Dark-Chocolate Mousse on top of an Almond Oat Coconut Crust.

This is a great and easy option for a delicious vegan-friendly dessert!

I'm not vegan (I'm vegetarian), but I love finding/creating recipes that are vegan-friendly. I especially love when it's packed with protein and I can justify indulging in a post-workout chocolatey snack...but that's besides the point. 
This Tofu-Chocolate Pie was inspired/adapted from Chocolate Covered Katie's recipe.

It's absolutely delicious, easy to make (requires a blender/food processor), and few people will ever guess it's vegan!

As with most of the baking/cooking I do, this "recipe" is very forgiving. Feel free to experiment with it.

The Chocolate Mousse

- One bar of dark chocolate, cut into small pieces and melted (I used Green and Black's organic 80% dark chocolate and melted it in the microwave in a bowl.) You can use milk chocolate if you want, but then keep in mind it will not be suitable for any vegan individuals.
- One brick of tofu (I used silken tofu; you could use a firmer tofu and it would in turn be a firmer pie)
- Sweetener as desired (I added a sprinkle of icing sugar; I think date syrup or agave nectar would work well but I didn’t have these on hand. You could also use honey but, again, then it's no longer vegan!)
- A large splash of milk (I used unsweetened almond milk)
- A splash of pure vanilla extract
- A dash of cocoa powder


Blend together until totally smooth. Add a dash more of milk if it is not blending well. It should still be quite thick!
After it has blended, either scoop it out into a container/bowl and let it sit in the fridge OR add it on top of a pie-crust of your choosing. (See below for the last minute almond crust I made.)

THAT'S IT! No baking, etc. Just put it in the fridge to help it settle/harden, and take out right before serving. If you want to decorate it, consider any/all of the following: almond pieces, chocolate shavings, raspberries ...mmmmmmm.

Please note: my father is an adamant chocolate-lover and a general hater-of-tofu and he loved this recipe!

Almond Crust (Optional) :
Using an almond crust adds a nice nutty flavour to the chocolate experience, as well as some extra protein!
I threw it together in a last minute fashion when I decided I wanted the mousse to sit in something to give it a bit more structure. Here's what I used:

- Almonds (I took a few handfuls and ground them using a mortar and pestle)
- A small handful of oats (maybe about 2 tbsp?)
- About 2-3 tbsp of wheat flour
- About 2-4 tsp of coconut oil
- 3/4 tsp of cocoa powder
- The tiniest pinch of salt

Blend this together in a food processor/blender until it is all smooth. Play with the consistency by adding more flour/oats (if it’s too wet) or coconut oil (if it’s too dry) until you can press it into a pie plate. Spread it out with a spoon/knife and then just press the rest with clean fingers, spreading it around to cover the entire plate. I just covered the bottom of the plate (rather than the edges) but you could try to build up an actual crust if you want.

Bake at 350 degrees for about 6 minutes, making sure it browns but does not burn. Let it cool before adding the chocolate mousse and then put the whole thing in the fridge. I like to let it sit for 3+ hours before serving; it can sit overnight without problems!
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Graham Cracker Crust: 

I also did a version of this using a graham-cracker crust with butter (not vegan!) In this version I used a harder tofu (firm) and milk chocolate. Can you see the difference?